Dead Letter Office
To: Minister of Tourism
Portugese Government House/Casa
Lisbon, Portugal
Dear Madam:
May we first congratulate you on installing Portugal to the southwest of Spain. Not only does this location insure blue skies, golden sands and aqua clear, albeit chilly, seas but also provides a natural buffer from the bothersome French. I am sure you are very busy, perhaps too busy to have noticed my wife Sarah and I as we have traveled around the world. This is understandable as ministers of tourism should be spending their time concentrating on domestic affairs of their country and not the domestic affairs of their country’s visitors. By the way, are you elected or appointed? We find this makes a difference.
On our travels we have made a point of personally writing to the minister of tourism for all 11 countries visited thus far. We are sure you will receive this letter in the good faith in which it was intended and appreciate that tourist dollars are hard won and easily lost.
Your small towns and villages, beautifully adorned with white-washed houses, stunning beaches and winding lanes and alleyways are quite wonderous to behold. Such beauty has been the subject of many a digital photograph which will be used to torture our friends upon our return to the United States. The city of Porto has the added benefit of virtually drowning in the alcoholic beverage it is so famous for giving us the opportunity to drown with it. The Algarve is an oasis of ocean and beach and we especially applaud your decision to ghetto the bulk of the tourists in Faro. Everyone is much happier when they can vacation with their own kind and not have to worry about interacting with the locals, don’t you agree? I’m sure the locals appreciate this too - oh how pale and lard-like we must look to you exotic Mediterranean types.
In light of the natural beauty and effortless ease (can ease be described as effortless or am I being redundant?) of touring your fine country, Sarah and I have decided you might be sitting in your office twiddling you civil service thumbs waiting for siesta each day. If you are an appointed official you may stop reading at this point, your job is secure. However, should you be elected you may want to read on as our upcoming suggestions for improvements are sure fire vote winners.
Are you a woman who appreciates irony? We do hope so. You see, the irony is that for a nation who directly and indirectly was responsible for discovering trade routes with India, North America, South America and Africa, your national spice appears to be salt. Why not cumin from India or paprika from the Americas? Why must you take the mouthwatering local fish and further its misery and misfortune at being caught by burying it in salt? As a minister of the republic perhaps you could legislate against salt thereby saving Portugal millions of Euros in blood pressure medication. And why no vegetables? (Potatos are a starch, not a vegatable). All this,however, is part of traveling and easily rectified by drinking plenty of water and taking vitamins each day. I think you’ll agree that our final suggestion, although first appearing quite extreme, is a matter of national law and order and, dare we say it, pride. I am sure you are aware of your nation’s charming tradition of bringing starters to the dining table without the customer actually asking for them. Tasty little tid-bits of processed cheese and tinned sardines called the couvert (the cover). Well, that is all well and good - returning them to the kitchen untouched causes no offense to either party. However, all of your restaurants appear to make “honest mistakes” and attempt to charge us for them regardless. We are currently in the ninety percentile of bills that have required amending to remove extraneous charges. Portugal must either have a literacy problem, a numericy problem or worse, a loosely organised crime racket that is determined to bring down your tourist industry one euro at a time. Perhaps an under-couvert branch of the police needs to be formed to crush this insurgency. The tourist tax of any country appears on its restaurant bills and we have let many slip in countries where 50 cents means more than just a hip-hop artiste but here, in a developed country that actually appoints or elects a minister of tourism? Here, where the US dollar is weaker than a 20cl glass of Super Bock beer? Perhaps you could legislate a new tradition. In our home country we have a much more ambiguous way of taxing the restaurant bill. We will give you all the bread you want for free but demand a tip of between 17 - 20%. In light of this, we have retaliated by the only way we know how and are being stingy with the tip. We hope this will balance out and cause no more than a blip on the histogram when you next find cause to recalculate your GDP. So, with that, we move on to country number twelve and, I’m sure, more helpful advice to its minister of tourism. Perhaps you know the the good minister from Spain, would be kind enough to write us a letter of introduction and give them fair warning of our arrival. Nothing special, just a balloon or two at the airport would be fine.
Regards,
David (and Sarah although she probably won’t agree with everything I have written)